Tonight was not a good night. I thought I was doing a lot better at accepting that I'm might be in constant pain for the rest of my life. That I might never be able to tell how my health was going to be from one second to the next. But I'm not. I just can't fully conceptualize this as my forever reality, which it might well be.
I thought I had gotten to a point where I was happy with the way I'm living my life. Until I realized how truly angry I am.
The five stages of change are denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. People go through them in different orders. I think I'm often in several of them at once. Right now, at least, anger's my main one.
Among other things, I'm angry at myself at not being more in the acceptance stage. It's been over 3.5 years since my migraines became constant, and it feels like a while. I feel like I should be "farther along" towards acceptance. (Or mostly-acceptance, as I'm not sure I will ever fully accept my chronic health problems.)
But then i think about how I spent that time. I spent the first year in denial--I just assumed they were going to go away. I spent the next year in a different type of denial---assuming I could just live my life however I wanted and decide to just ignore my symptoms. (That didn't go so well.) That's two years on denial.
But now, I'm much more in the anger stage. I'm angry at my body for this "betrayal," anger at society towards the way it treats people like me, angry at my friends when they say things that hurt, angry at insurance companies, angry at a G-d I don't believe in... The list could go on.
I'm angry at a lot of things, but some of them are targets of misplaced anger. The anger is spilling over into other parts of my life and I didn't even realize until today. I want to work on untangling and dealing with it in healthier ways. And I think I can do this, now that I have noticed how angry I am.
But I also need to work on accepting my stages of change. Because I'm not a bad person for taking however long I need to get towards a happier stage.