Sunday, January 31, 2010

Birth Control

Next up on my list of treatments is birth control. I may start next week. I really hope it works, but it seems unlikely. After all, I've tried over 20 medications.

But I'm scared: part of me is hopeful that this might help and that hope could be a problem. The more hope I have, the more it will hurt when the treatment doesn't work. And despite how many things I try--pills, injections and alternative treatments--it always hurts when it fails. I try to be as pessimistic as possible about the possibilities so that it will hurt less. (Sometimes people who don't have similar health problems try to convince me this is the wrong way to go about it. But I'd rather fall from a low height, of low expectations, than a high one.) I've fallen over 20 times and it still hurts every time. I think I cry every time.

So here's a hope it helps. And here's a reminder that it probably won't and that I have friends, online and in meatworld, who will be there to help when it falls apart again. And here's to hope. To still having hope. And to the strength it takes to still have hope and to keep trying treatements instead of saying "sod it."

No comments:

Post a Comment